Looking Through Beads of Trickling Water

Lovesickness:

If you can endure it, you can endure anything.

I empty a little more each day.

Come back.

Please.

Can't stop listening on repeat...

"Make This Go On Forever" by Snow Patrol

This song is sooo dramatic, I love it!!

(Well okay, the studio version sounds much better)

Fruits of Labor

Now Playing : "Stay Where You Are" - Ambulance Ltd

Today truly is one of the happiest and most rewarding days I've had.

I am in desperate need of a new pair of jeans. Here's a long story why; I tried on my largest pair of jeans and now with my current weight, it looks as though the jeans had belonged to a sumo wrestler. Perhaps I could have been well on way to become one, as this very pair had been a torturous squeeze back then when I was pig fat.

Doing some logical deduction thingies in my head, I figured it was time to finally yet cautiously dig out several pairs of jeans that have been left collecting dust in my closet for many years as I had gotten too fat and they would never go past my thighs. I put them on, and to my pleasant surprise they were also too big for me! 

Upon knowing this and realizing that I can't keep on recycling the same two to three pairs of pants I wear to classes (which I do, sadly), today I went to buy a pair of jeans and as per usual was asked my size. I blinked. I had no idea and as the shop assistant whipped out his measuring tape, I began to silently fear the moment of truth.

Would I have gone down a size?

Would I have retained the same size?

Would I be told--again--that they don't carry ginamous sizes for Asian women?

I held my breath as I felt the tape creep and then tighten around my waist.

I fought urges to suck in my stomach.

"31"

What??

"Thirty-one" it was repeated.

I screamed.

I was in total shock. I had learnt that in the period of 6 months, I had gone down six jeans sizes! That's right folks, yours truly had a waistline of 37 inches before she embarked on her health improvement crusade.

I could not be happier to be shown results of my hard work. Fruits of labor. Despite 31" is still quite large for a person with my stats, it serves as massive encouragement and motivation.

What a bright, bright day it is today. :)

iGotTagged XD

A． People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves Tag 8 people. Those who are tagged cannot refuse.

B． These 8 people must state who they were tagged by. I was tagged by Jules. You cannot tag the person who tagged you. Continue this game by sending this to 8 other people.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Initial reaction upon finding out would be to hyperventilate and I reckon tears would build in my eyes because that just happens when I get emotional. While in this state will proceed to demand WHY had he betrayed me and depending on the situation, leave or stay. Ideally, leave.

2. What will you do if you do not share the same feelings as the person who likes you?
Be honest and tell upfront that I do not fancy him. Honesty is better than trying to live a lie and to subject a person into one.

3. What will your dream wedding be like?
Aw man, I'm a sucker in this one. Would love a simple beach wedding but at the same time I want LOTS of people to attend. Heh!

4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
Confused, no. Unsure, yes.

5. What's your ideal lover like?
Already found him. Generally don't like this question because it makes people seem as though they are describing their pet dogs but ah well, since you asked...;) Has to be goal-driven, educated and mature. Towards me he has to be honest, unreserved, loving, dedicated.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone else?
Can a person honestly prefer one over the other? To have the ability to love someone and to have the privilege of being loved by someone else are blessings by God.

7. If the person you like does not accept you, would you continue to wait for them to change their feelings?
Keep in mind that he's not the only sprat in the sea.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Move on. There are enough divorces and adultery as it is. Plus, I wouldn't want it on my conscience that I was the third party.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy recently?
Life without road bumps is surreal.

10. What do you want most in life?
Happiness. To quote someone, "it all boils down to happiness".

11. Is being tagged fun?
Depends. If I am in the mood and if the tag questions are fun, then obviously yes. If not, it becomes a burden.

12. If you find out that your best friend is going out with your boyfriend/girlfriend, how would you react?
Dump both. I can't be bothered to trust them if they didn't have the decency to come clean to me about their feelings. It's worse to date someone who no longer shares your affection and to be friends with someone who continuously lies to you. Sure, I'll be mad but it's a lot better than being subjected to lies, deceit and pretense.

13. Who is currently the most important person to you?
Philip. Due to the current situation, anytime could be the last time I would ever talk/see/hear/feel him again...and I don't refer to a break-up.

14. What kind of person do you think I am?
Whatever you think of me, I do hope you look at me fondly. If not, I really don't care. As long as I am happy and comfortable with me, and ensure that I am not engaged in illegal, unmoral and unethical matters, flaws are what make up part of me.

15. What is the most unforgettable thing/event in your life?
This is a difficult question as I've had the privilege of having had many wonderful memories so it's hard to pick just one but, right on top of my head would be my first kiss (lol well, and the events that took place after XD)


16. If the person you secretly like cannot recognise you, what would you do/how would you react?
It's a scientific fact that people can be bad at memorizing faces. The first two to three times is acceptable. After that, it seems like a hopeless case, doesn't it? Either you make a bloody good impression the next time or move on to a bloke who can actually recognize your face (and hopefully your name too).

17. Would you give your all in a relationship?
Absolutely. Relationships are not for lazy and uncommitted people.

18. If you fall in love with two persons simultaneously, who would you pick?
Depends on the situation. If I am already with someone else and a new character hops into the picture then I will certainly not cheat. However, if it's a situation where I'm just beginning to see the two men, then I will date both for a very limited time to see which one I like better to go longer with. If I'm already with someone and another person whom I absolutely to the core can not resist or have miraculously fallen head over heels with, then I'll get back to you ;)

19. What type of friends do you like?
With a mind of their own. Likeminded. Mature. Most importantly, funny. I'm not a funny person so I'll depend on that person to make things interesting between us :P

20. If you played a prank on someone, and he/she fell for the trick, what would you do?
The natural human reaction; LAUGH.

iTag:
1. Darren
2. June Ling
3. Kel Li
4. Fred
5. June Lim
6. Abigail
7. Josephine
8. Jaime

Eggh...

Helpless When She Smiles Video

Whoever produced this video should be shot!! It's a terribly boring video for such a fab band!!

A temporary loss of willpower

Evil Disguised

Now Playing : "All I Got" - Newton Faulkner

Well folks, my good streak has officially ended.

I shamefully and guiltily announce that today, I had binged.

First, I couldn't stop myself from continuously eating Chili's Bottomless Tostada Chips and the accompanying salsa dip and chili con queso. 

After I got home, I proceeded to eat six chocolate chip cookies.

So there it is. I had a temporary lapse of strong willpower and went against my better judgement and ate...and ate like how I used to eat. Mindlessly. Greedily. I won't start beating myself up about it, because there is no point in crying over spilt milk. I have eaten it and that's that. And I don't even want to begin to think that puking it all out is a legitimate solver. Nope.

I'm praying I won't feel and see the effects of my lapse of judgement but if I do, it would be a painful lesson. I think what caused my bingeing was the fact that I had skipped lunch today because I had no time for it. From now on, I will refrain from skipping meals due to reasons of having no time. I will MAKE time for all my three square meals in the future.

Now I will make a new goal, and that is to beat the previous record for no bingeing of 6 months. Hopefully I can lay the ever lingering desire to binge to rest. 

Wish me luck.

Sorry, J

I am really embarrassed tonight and

I know it's my fault

even though I've tried so hard to change

the old habits keep creeping back.

But I really must let you know that 

I am really indebted to you

and 

thank you for helping me still

despite having so much on your plate.

That being said, I think I shall speak less of one person in particular.

My dog-cat

Is it that obvious? You're right, I haven't got anything to blog about lately so here I am posting more pictures of my dog-cat. If you're still wondering why I call Puddles a "dog-cat" it's because of how he absolutely LOVES to snuggle up to me to sleep!! He'll find any nook and cranny available around and presses up right against me and plop down right there! It's quite adorable actually!

Mmmph...

Okay fine...so I lost RM10.

I purely believe I was sabo-ed so there you go. ;)

It's not a big deal anyway, all in pure fun and besides, at the moment I've got much more exciting things on my mind. 

OOOOOH not long now!!

See how Puds the dog-cat snuggles up to me? XD

Winning a bet

Now Playing : "Apologize" - One Republic

...or at least trying to.

I'm flat out broke this month. Infact, I reckon I'm going to be quite broke for the next 10 years or so. Why you ask? Well, I've decided, after much hesitation, that I will buy myself a new car. Not exactly a milestone in life achievements that I had hoped to experience this soon but it came more of a necessity for safety's sake.

But oh my! I have digressed so! My bet--mwuahaha--is between my mother and I. She thinks that I won't be able to drag my lazy ass out of bed to go to gym at 6:30am (which is quickly approaching in less than 4 hours) and she's quite right. Countless times have I planned to get up early to go to the gym but each and every time I have failed. After a heavy dinner tonight, I figured that a gym call is necessary but the only time I have for it tomorrow is before 9am. 

She has bet RM10 that I would end up sleeping through it.

And as I have mentioned, I am flat out broke...

Oops, Happy Birthday pops!! (hopefully you'll find use in the enormous mug I gave you...)

Yay!

Yes!!

After a whole month of not losing weight, I lost four today!!

Woot woot woot!!

Decisions, decisions

The new Proton Saga in my preferred color ;)

I know I really want you

but can I really afford you?

I think I've just stepped into the door of making big financial decisions.

Eurk!

I'm giving myself one more week to think about it.

Almost 3

Now I'm really missing you.

Putting the calculator (not too far) away

Now Playing : www.solopianoradio.com

Tonight's the night. Long awaited night.

Celebration. People. Food.

Punched buttons. Digits appeared.

High. Getting higher, so much higher.

Oh no!! Don't know what (else) went in!

Screw it. 

Tonight, I'm just gonna eat to my stomach's desire.

Update: What's up, Doc?

Now Playing : "Delicate" - Damien Rice

The verdict is in: Google saved me.

130/84. That is my new number and I'm happy with it. I am not biased towards this doctor, but everything he says makes sense. I had intended to go to the clinic where the other doctor works for a blood health test but now after the whole poppycock "170/100 is perfectly fine" episode, I'm reluctant to go back. 

Still, getting it done for free is a huge incentive...

Anyway, long story short, I was given some multivitamins (just to see if vitamin deficiency is the cause of my dizziness) and told to watch how I feel in a couple of days. Other than that, I'm a fine large gal ;)

I know how it looks. But I know what I heard.

What's up, Doc?

Now Playing : "The Weight of My Words" - Kings of Convenience

Have you ever had a doctor tell you something so boggling that no matter how you try, you just can't believe his word? I was like that today. 

Ladies and gentlemen, my only update for you today is that I am sick. It's nothing serious or to worry about. Just your run-of-the-mill flu which of course is promptly followed by a quick visit to the doctor's. 

This time however, I had an extra question to ask. You see, lately I have been experiencing faintness or dizzy spells and blurred vision whenever I would get up or stand up from sitting or lying down. While it's normal to feel that on occasion, in my case I very rarely did. But it has come to a point where at every single instance, I would feel that. Obviously, I had something to worry about.

I imparted my problem and here is what I was told in almost exact words; "You have hypertension, but it's nothing to worry about because your blood pressure is at 170/100 which is perfectly normal for a young lady like you. You have what we call a 'hypertension phase', and after awhile it will go away. Just up your intake of salt and you should be fine".

Yes, I admit that I am not familiar with matters concerning BP. I accepted his diagnosis/explanation, mostly due with the fact that I was thrilled to hear that my "slightly on the high side" BP has become normal. This meant my diet was working very well for me.

Then Google screwed things for me. Here is why; any person having a 170/100 reading for hypertension is off-the-charts highly at risk for all the medical reasons we try to avoid like stroke. That being said, a normal person's reading should be clocked at 120/80 thus putting me at Stage 2 hypertension.Then, I found out about 'hypotension' which happens to be the opposite of hypertension. Here I found my symptoms...faint, dizzy spells, blurred vision. Also found were the doctor's advise on increasing the salt intake. 

And now, I am totally and utterly confused. Did the doctor say hypertension or hypotension (frankly, they sound alike)? How is it possible for a small person of 5 feet 1 height and despite still carrying extra poundage to have "perfectly normal" BP at a ridiculously high number? How is it possible that someone with those numbers have the symptoms of someone with low blood pressure? The last time I checked my BP I was 65 pounds overweight and was told that my BP was "slightly high". What does that make tonight's reading now that I'm only 29 pounds from my goal?? 

I think I'm lucky I haven't suffered a stroke yet. Feeding salt to a ticking time bomb seems like what I've been told to do.

It just doesn't make any sense at all.

Tomorrow I am going to go for a second opinion, one that I truly trust. I'll endure the endless long queue of people who also pour their ultimate medical trust upon him just to have a clear mind of my body. 

I'll find out then if Google was saving me instead.

Unwanted decorations

It's an eyesore, really.

It's been over for a few days now.

It reflects upon you.

You can start here.

Take down your flags and banners!

Everyone else has.

Where??

Where is the *bleep!* exit?!

Left or right??

Ahhh!!

Change

Is the Wake Up Call loud enough?

You've got 5 years to prove yourself.

Don't disappoint us again.

Images

Now Playing : "In Action" - We Are Scientists

Here's a thought to ponder on; you see a young woman with a pack of cigarettes. What is the first thing you think?

"Ugh, I hate women who smoke"

"I can't imagine her teeth or breath"

"It is so unladylike to smoke"

There is a whole list of negative attitude towards the act of smoking, even more so if you happen to be female. I for one, happen to believe that this stigma is actually good. Smoking is bad for your health, it makes you look unattractive sucking on a piece of stick and the thing I despise most about smoking is how smokers do not give an ounce of regard to non-smokers who are subjected to inhaling their second hand smoke...something much more damaging than smoking itself. Talk about irony.

I am talking about this today because I was just asked yet again to buy cigarettes for someone. I am not happy that this person chose to stop her abstinence from smoking and yet, I am not so much bothered that she had asked me to buy, after all I already run a lot of errands for her.

What bothers me most about actually buying cigarettes (for whatever reason) is how it makes me look being associated with them.

Merely asking for cigarettes, paying for them, holding it in my hand, it being visible in my bag/car/pocket/etc makes me repulsed at the image it makes me portray. I can't help but think what other people are thinking when they see me with one. "Oh, this woman smokes. Disgusting." In actuality, I don't really care that much what is being thought of me, but I just don't like to be associated with cigarettes. I don't want to be seen as a smoker, even though I am not one. They disgust me and to be associated with something that I hate is what I can't stand about having a pack on me. That goes for men, too. I won't date someone who smokes. I'm sorry but it just makes you look frickin' unattractive to me.

That being said, to smokers out there reading this post, do not be offended. I have nothing against you personally, just your silent killer friend.

1'M |)0N3!!

Now Playing : "Help Is Around The Corner" - Coldplay

If you couldn't figure out what that was, it's actually Leet Speak for "I'm Done!!"

And yes, I really am done!!

Ah, I love it when I can finally sit back and see a finished project after spending endless hours building and perfecting something. What a beaut! Now all that's left is to collect it from printing and hand it in tomorrow.

Then I'll have to immediately jump right back in and get started on the other group projects that have been put off for the sake of the priority set for writing my research paper.

I don't want to jinx my luck, but I sure do hope everything is printed a-ok without any alignment problems because that often happens and it pisses me off to no end. X(

Defiant Power Button

Just a screenshot

Now Playing : "Stand Inside Your Love" - Smashing Pumpkins

My middle finger is sore. 

No, you silly pooh! It's not from multiple public displays or anything of that sort. 15 was the number of times I had to press the power button on my Powerbook to get it to start after doing some system updating.

I was really worried it wouldn't start and while desperately trying to get it to turn on, I became panicked at the thought of the possibility that I'll have to bring in the laptop for repairs...which is not good.

Why? My computer has turned defiant during the wrong time--not that there's a good time for it to behave like so. I am 90% done with my research paper, all I need to do is expand on my literature review and list down my references. I can't imagine losing that paper and having to re-do the entire thing all over again because my computer screwed up.

Luckily for me, the moment it turned on I immediately made a back-up copy. Come to think about it, I should have done that ages ago. 

On another note, writing a research paper I feel has drained the creativity of my writing style away from me. This is such a boringly written post. Bah. ;)

Sigh

I'm getting more and more frustrated each day.

I haven't lost a single pound in over a week now!

I can see and feel some difference

So why is my scale not mirroring that?

It's been six years since...does it need to get any harder than that?

Cheese-schmeese sandwich

I couldn't taste the cheese.

What a waste of 200 calories.