#18 - Twenty Six

Stupid blotch...eggh...

Happy 26th Birthday, my darling P.

Red

I got my surprise Valentine's Day gift today in the mail.

The box was squashed from handling.

Some of the chocolates melted into disfigured gloop.

But I still LOVED it!!

It was the longest 13 hour work day ever! :D

Thank you, darling!

I just want to be weak, sometimes.

Edgy.

The one word which aptly describes how I've been feeling this week. 

Strangely enough, this isn't caused by work as it usually is--in fact, it's been a good week at work. No stress, no meetings, and overall have had enjoyable classes. In short, I've been a pretty free duck this week.

For the past week and into the next month or so, my fiancé is up to his neck with work. We've only spoken twice this week and barely at that, and that's gotten on my nerves a little bit. However, don't get me wrong. I'm not unreasonable and do understand that we can't be conjoined at the hip every breathing moment...but it's just hard.

Then earlier this week, I received happy news that a friend of mine is getting married soon and having a baby. 

Wow, that really pained me.

Nononononooo...don't misunderstand me. I am super happy for this friend and very excited to attend the wedding. I was even cooing over the prettiness of the name she had picked out for her soon-to-come baby.

But let me tell you...

I am SO envious.

It just really pains me because I wish I could be in her position. 

I wish I could get married now. I wish I had the guts and the screw-it-ness to just drop everything and run off to Italy and get married right now. I wish I don't have to wait another two plus years. I wish I could be picking out baby names too, instead of waiting until I'm 30. I wish I didn't have to spend most of my time being engaged alone. I wish I didn't have to be alone.

I wish I was weak. 

I don't want to be rational and know that all these things, I can't do right now. I don't want to be rational and I wish I didn't care that I am financially, legally and geographically unprepared to be all those things I so desperately want to be right now. I wish I didn't sound so whiny whining about this. 

There's just so many things I wish right now...and almost all of them involve being not alone anymore. 

One Step Closer

I meant to blog about this happy occasion instead of trumpeting it around Facebook, but since I didn't have it with me shortly after arriving back in Malaysia until today, I didn't feel like I should until it was back safely with me.

So folks...

Yours truly has gotten engaged!!

You guys (you know who you are) can stop pestering me to tell you how it happened. It happened on Christmas Day when Phil and I were in Venice. It was my first time there and he has been waiting until I finally visited Venice to ride the ridiculously priced gondola.

No, no, no.

Contrary to what you thought, we did not get engaged on the gondola...and singing gondoliers are a myth anyway. After the gondola ride, we walked around a little bit until we got to a place called the Rialto market which happened to be closed that day. We walked to a quiet, deserted part to an arched walkway overlooking the river where we could see gondolas rowing by. 

We stopped at the edge to enjoy the scenery. Then, he turned to face me and took out a small, gift-wrapped box. He said, "here's your second Christmas present". I gleefully unwrapped it, revealing a brown and obvious jewelry box. I had a smile plastered on my face as I looked at him. 

I was afraid and a little hesitant to open the box. I had my hopes up. Really, very high up. I wanted it to be what I thought it was. But at the same time, I was worried that I might open the box only to find a pair of earrings or something absolutely the opposite of what I hoped it would be. Silly, right?

Anyway, I did open it. The ring was beautiful, exactly what I would have wanted. My actions were swiftly followed by his words "I know we don't have a date yet but I was wondering if you would marry me...".

My heart leaped out of its cavity completely!

I hugged him and half-whispered,

"Yes!"

He put the ring on my finger and we kissed...

on a date which would forever hold significance more than just Christmas and in the one place I would never forget.

Next month, on February 20th, will mark our four years together.

I really can not wait for the future.

Home

Well, I'm back home again.

Interesting things have happened during this trip.

Experienced a snow storm...

Ate more pizzas to last a lifetime...

Got a shiny rock on my finger...

Rode a gondola...

Experienced bitter cold weather...

Right now, I'm not really in the mood to blog as I'm missing P too much. 

So here are two photo albums for you to view of my trip.

Enjoy.

Album 1

Album 2

Album 3

Prego!

By the time you folks read this, I'll *finally* be on a plane to Venice, Italy.

I will be spending Christmas and New Year's with Phil, so as usual, you'll get pictorial updates either along the way or when I get back on January 3rd.

'Till then, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone!

And specially, Happy Birthday to Darren, whose birthday I'll sadly miss this year. I hope you have a good one!

It's scary what we choose to sacrifice

Today, I scared myself.

I've always been one to put loved ones first; family, boyfriend. Whether it be a simple outing to a major decision, it was clear and simple. No need for second thoughts. 

Then I got this job--my first job--which has been causing me to sacrifice time to be with subjects of matter. At first it was missing two dinners a week with the family. Shortly after, I was cutting down on quality time with Phil on two days.

Now, this job--this, highly unstable job, is giving me back my two missing dinners but taking away five days of substantial quality time with Phil.

And I'm accepting as of tomorrow.

It's a bittersweet thing.

I'm happy to be able to no longer work nights...but, how could I have said Yes, to lean towards agreeing to something which would take away more of what little I have with him? Do I have to sacrifice even more sleep five days a week? Would I sacrifice it?

Yes, I would.

Knowing eventually, it would take its toll on me. I'd grow old faster, die younger and eye bags so big I'd be mistaken for a panda.

But who am I? Sacrificing all these for what? Money? It's sad.

It's just a job!

Loved ones are loved ones.

I just hope I'll only need to keep on doing this for not that much longer.

I don't want to be forced to give up more and more.

Roooooma!

Trevi Fountain, Rome 

**Anik Messier**

It's only been two months since my trip to Florida and I'm already thinking--admittedly, somewhat obsessively--about my next one. You know, the journey there (have I mentioned I love being on planes?) and all the new experiences I'll have.

In short, I can't wait to spend Christmas in Rome, Italy!!

It's still a looong way ahead, no need to remind me of that tiny detail but what makes this trip exciting and different from Florida is that I'm looking forward to being in a place where I'm out of my element--language.

Language has never been an issue with all my previous overseas trips I've ever taken, even when I went to Hong Kong because heck, I know I could depend on my parents to speak the lingo. All my talking basically done for me :P 

I've read that in more popular touristy areas in Italy such as Rome and Venice, the people speak English but I wonder if I might be forced to speak some Italian (hah! as if I could!)... after all, I won't have my parents to help me out and although Phil's been stationed in Italy for the last er, well long enough! he hasn't learned a lick of Italian so he'll be no use at all *wink*

If some of you remember, I took an Italian 101 class while I was still in university. I really, really wish I had paid attention in class because I can't remember 99% of what I learned! If I knew I was *ever* going to visit Europe, much less Italy, I would have at least remembered some basic phrases and numbers hahah! I think I shall dig around in my room and hope I kept my Italian notes and quickly brush up on a phrase or two ;)

I've always heard of Rome being a beautiful city but never really bothered about it. So, being bored I Flickr'd the city and found so many wonderful pictures of Rome and being fascinated by photography, they were even more so! 

Check it out here.

Velkommen!

I got word that my godparents, Linda and Ole had requested my blog address from my dad. I haven't met them since I was 8 years old so here's a BIG shout out to you both! I hoped you have learned more about us while my dad was in Denmark and wished I could have come along to visit! Hopefully, your visit to my blog will bring you more up to speed with what's been happening in our lives (OKOK, mine mostly since this blog is central to it :P).

To make things easier, here's a list of posts containing lots of pictures (so you don't have to wade through tons of posts to get to the juicy bits!)

Mooncake Festival '08

My grandma's birthday (just. look. at. the. colorful. cake.)

My holiday in Florida '08 - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

My graduation '08

A random pictorial post with pics of family + the bf

Chinese New Year '08

Puddles

...meh...the list is shorter than I expected. 

Enjoy!

I'll Miss You

I really would.

In fact...

I already am.

Worrywart

A few days ago, a friend had asked me what I thought my weakness was.

For a long time, I had always assumed it was food since I've been really overweight all my life--well, that is up until this year. 

Something happened tonight that has made me suddenly realize that I was wrong. 

My biggest weakness, is infact, my tendency to become paranoid even at the smallest of worries and doubts.

Food, I can control. I've learnt that.

To stop worrying, I've yet to master the art. 

Tonight's incidence--for all I know--is probably nothing at all, but I realize that even the smallest things striking at heart can make me worry to death. Then I get paranoid. Really paranoid. 

It was something I did a month ago out of excitement even though quite premature...but it was something to be happy about, nonetheless. Nobody noticed, which was good and I liked it that way. Then tonight I happily extended the hand of assimilation to a couple of important people, foolishly forgetting about what I had done. Then so many people started noticing.

And now they know.

The most frustrating thing is that the internet disguises a reaction.

News travels extremely fast. Based on one foolish act, I may have thrown several important people's emotions around. Assumedly, if the worst case scenario goes. It's not the fact that I don't want them to know--I do, I'm just not the one who's supposed to tell them. The one person who can make me feel better is unavailable. This, makes me worry all the more so.

I can't stop worrying. I can't sleep and I have a stomachache. 

I want to be able to tell myself and believe when I say "it's probably nothing to be worried about" / "you'll be fine" / "it'll work out" yadda yadda...

But I can't bring myself to believe it.

Even after being proved wrong on so many occasions. 

How do I stop?

Guitar Hero Mania

"Haaaalp!! My coordination sucks!!"

The Pro showing off his skills!

Guitar Hero spares no one XD

Anxiety

I know I'm too paranoid for my own good

Please don't mind me seeking your reassurance every now and then

Because it helps me

...even though it might totally annoy you to bits :)

Disappointment

Life, as we all know it, has a habit of gift-wrapping a boxful of disappointment. Win some, lose some. Counting your chickens before they hatch.

But enough with the sayings.

People, of all walks of life, deal with disappointment in their own way. Some choose to ignore it altogether and some insist on reverting it from before it became one...and some, try to search for a good or positive outcome from said disappointment.

Tonight, I got hit with bad news. Nothing tragic, relax. But it was something I had looked forward to and wanted for a couple of years now and to find out this late, I felt as if I got picked up and was thrown into an Olympic sized swimming pool filled with disappointment. 

Cause and effect. Not getting what I want will save money. I know this without having to rely on some form of intoxication, I knew this decision is a wise one. 

But for once, for the life of me, I wish I could just act irrational.

But I can't, because I'm just that rational person whose conscience never takes a vacation.

My Absence in Pictures

Apparently, my absence of producing new posts have been noticeable. So, I've decided to share with you guys what I've been up to the past 18 days in not so many words becauseimtoolazytowriteanessay. Not too many pictures either but hey, they did say one picture = 1000 words. So I'm good. :P

The *main* distraction. 

Was incredibly happy to have Phil spend his break here from the (too much) sun and sand in Afghanistan!

We went to watch Marie Digby perform in person at 1Utama. Too many people were cramped into just one mall, but it was a nice show. Didn't quite expect Phil to buy her album but I'm glad he did because I'm enjoying it *so* much!

Ran into cousin Kelz while at the showcase too! Love the shirt!

Finally went to experience feeding fishies with our feet at the Fish Spa. 

Can't wait to go back for round two!

Met up with D-Man for movies and dinner. Provider of all things funny, as usual ;)

Celebrated a very significant date; my parents' 25th wedding anniversary. Had a wonderful time and ended up being happy to have Phil drag me on to the dance floor. Woot! Had cake.

Us doing what we spent most of the time doing; spending time together (at too many malls too many times). 

18 days sped by too fast, but that only means so will the arrival of August!

Missing

Heh...will be missing for a couple of days folks.

Edit : Ok, so it's been more than a couple of days and I guess I'm going to be away for a little over two weeks. Don't miss me too much, guys. Btw, I love this pic!!

Phil : I love the shorts.

Me : *Whap!!*

Birthday Boy

HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY,

PHILIP!!

I love you!

Many hugs and kisses!!

Lucky Number

23 is definitely my lucky number.

Delicate

Now Playing : "Delicate" - Damien Rice

Several days ago, a friend had sent me this link:  You Know You're In Love With A Military Man When... with presumably the best intentions (I highly doubt otherwise, because I do not think she is that sort of person) because it was something that concerned me and I am appreciative of her thinking of me. So, whatever I'm about to say, do not take this post personally, dear friend.

I identified with 25 out of 35 "signs".

I identified with Item No.12 the most. 

The list was written out of humor, but it only made me sadder.

Perhaps for a person who does not know what it's like being in my position may have read that post with the humor it had meant. Maybe some even found it romantic...and if they did, I can see why; Hollywood has romanticized it. 

But reading that list made me even more aware of how rather unfortunate it is for a person in that situation--how my situation is. Yes, one may think that it is indeed romantic having these little things brighten up your day but that is just it; you have crumbs to keep you from dying of hunger but you rarely ever get to have the full meal. 

When you do, it is over too soon. And then you go back to crumbs.

Then you wait. Indefinitely.

I feel almost everything on that list, everyday, for the past three-plus years and I'm still feeling it. Reading about what I'm uncontrollably feeling unfortunately, is a second stab to the heart. Yes, I can't sit down and watch a decent war themed movie without wanting to burst into tears either. I don't want to be reminded of all the worry, the loneliness, the "what ifs", the heartache, the longing, the crumbs. 

Call me a worrywart if you will. Take this person away and my world will crumble. I've earned the right to worry. 

In the meantime, I just do the best I can.

...and I never give up hope.

Today Is A Good Day

Why?

1. Research paper *finally* completed

2. Lost another pound...which means...

3. Plateau broken

4. Got news that Spencer is almost at my doorstep

5. He did not go on another mission

All pretty darn self explanatory. :D