I just want to be weak, sometimes.

Edgy.

The one word which aptly describes how I've been feeling this week. 

Strangely enough, this isn't caused by work as it usually is--in fact, it's been a good week at work. No stress, no meetings, and overall have had enjoyable classes. In short, I've been a pretty free duck this week.

For the past week and into the next month or so, my fiancé is up to his neck with work. We've only spoken twice this week and barely at that, and that's gotten on my nerves a little bit. However, don't get me wrong. I'm not unreasonable and do understand that we can't be conjoined at the hip every breathing moment...but it's just hard.

Then earlier this week, I received happy news that a friend of mine is getting married soon and having a baby. 

Wow, that really pained me.

Nononononooo...don't misunderstand me. I am super happy for this friend and very excited to attend the wedding. I was even cooing over the prettiness of the name she had picked out for her soon-to-come baby.

But let me tell you...

I am SO envious.

It just really pains me because I wish I could be in her position. 

I wish I could get married now. I wish I had the guts and the screw-it-ness to just drop everything and run off to Italy and get married right now. I wish I don't have to wait another two plus years. I wish I could be picking out baby names too, instead of waiting until I'm 30. I wish I didn't have to spend most of my time being engaged alone. I wish I didn't have to be alone.

I wish I was weak. 

I don't want to be rational and know that all these things, I can't do right now. I don't want to be rational and I wish I didn't care that I am financially, legally and geographically unprepared to be all those things I so desperately want to be right now. I wish I didn't sound so whiny whining about this. 

There's just so many things I wish right now...and almost all of them involve being not alone anymore. 

When You've Had a Bad Day...

...don't pig out.

And I'm sorry I did. With that carton of chocolate milk...and that deliciously irresistable homemade macaroni and cheese...and the two dates I snuck in after that. 

I haven't emotionally ate in a very long time so I suppose you can tell that today was just not my day. Why am I sugar(yum!)coating it? 

My day sucked.

First, I woke up late. You can imagine all the scrambling around the house that followed.

Then, I got stuck in the most annoying traffic jam ever.

Halfway through my 9am class, I got my period and it was this close for it to show for all to see. My energy levels started to drain because of this.

Then I received a rejection after gathering whatever ounce of courage I had. Though not of anybody's fault, it was the way it was presented that bothered me. By close proximity, it was (unawarely) rubbed in. But I suppose hormones were just making me all the more sensitive.

Lunch. Still can't bring myself to subject my tastebuds to organic food despite having really looked forward to trying the organic food restaurant near my workplace. I settled for curry mee, totally forgetting about my sore throat.

Next class. Power levels dwindled by then. It happened to be a particularly exhausting class, despite all the planning I did for it beforehand. Can you imagine my energy going *zap!* *zap!* *zap!* ? Involved a lot of squatting, not something that goes well with cramps.

It was raining during dinnertime, although that didn't make the day worse as I had already gotten used to it raining everyday. It started out as a nice dinner between colleagues when a fourth one joined us, imho, totally ruining it for me as I was not fond of her. Or maybe just rather intimidated. Or both.

More bad news came. Not chosen...and I couldn't figure out why. Not that I'd ask. I am somewhat surprised at my reaction towards this because I haven't been looking forward to being picked nor having bothered about this event at all...but ever since my leave to go to Italy got rejected, I had started looking forward to it a little so it would take my mind off things. Plus, it looked interesting.

But I didn't get it and I am disappointed.

Last class of the day was particularly easy to handle thank goodness, but I was drained emotionally, physically and well, something else (if you can guess...). I wished I had given it my all as I normally did for this class as I have had trouble with this class in the past in giving and receiving respect on so many levels. 

The kids had remembered my birthday and wished me happy birthday and brought a present.

But I was just so...zapped that I could barely force an enthusiastic smile for them. Plus, my throat was acting up from the curry I foolishly ate.

I guess my hormones is doing a lot of the talking for this post. I know I'd get over it and there's always another chance next year...I don't think I've gone so far off the cliff of hope. 

I know I've got paranoid issues. I know I've got self-confidence issues. I know I'm quite retarded at doing anything socially.

But things are starting to become how they've always been...in school and in uni.

I'm being overlooked.

Lament Kingdom

*Groan*

If I were you, I'd do that too if I knew what was coming up in this post (Actually, I do, but let's not get technical here). But, it remains a fact; I can't stop complaining and bitching and lamenting about you-know-what every time it hits a wall.

And I've hit a big, big wall.

I've lamented about it to everyone in this house multiple times a day!

I've subjected poor Darren to it as well.

It's as though I can't seem to talk about anything else whenever I open my mouth. I know it's annoying, and I know it makes me sound like I'm obsessed but I just-can't-stop-talking-about-my-weight-issues!! I'm not even touching on how I constantly think about it as well.

I guess I just want it that badly.

But, that really shouldn't be a just reason to become obsessed about it, is it? I really do think I'm suffering from body image issues as I can stand in front of a mirror and scrutinize every last bit of me to see what's gone up or down. Man....sounds a lot worse when I actually put it down into words :-s

To be honest, right now I feel like absolute crap. Not only is it because of the mysterious poundage I mentioned a couple of posts back, but I just found out that a dress of mine is tight and hard to zip up now...when it wasn't like so to begin with! There are so many questions that until they are answered I'm just completely baffled.

I just really want this to END!!

Edit: OK, I feel a teensy, weensy bit better...I snuck into a pair of June's size 28 jeans and fit perfectly!! So erm yeah, as soon as she reads this she's gonna kill me but I sure feel better knowing I can throw my still-new size 32 jeans away. :)

Bad, bad day

"When one thing goes wrong, everything else follows"

I don't normally have those sort of days...but today, I am stuck in the midst of one. It alllllll began yesterday when this self-admit computer addict discovers her Powerbook can't/won't turn on! It hasn't since and it is now 1:30pm the following day. I have reports to write. I have stupid questionnaires to fill in. I have food logs to update. I have BLOGS to update. Yadda, yadda.

In short, without my precious, half of my life has been put on hold.

*drama*

Woke up this morning, already in a bad mood, to find that there is just one last piece of turkey ham for my sandwich. Which means no more turkey ham for tomorrow's breakfast. Which means I'll have to go out and get some more when I don't have the time to and spend the money to buy some more when cash is hitting critical levels. Grrr. Made hot cocoa but added too much water, and ended up drinking brown water. Meh.

Get into car, find out iPod battery has depleted. Remembers it was still full yesterday. Curses out loud because can't get music therapy. Looks at speedometer...tank running on empty soon. Curses out loud again. Blast! I reach the workplace and find an OK parking spot but then realizes my parking pass expired yesterday. Had to dig all over the place for RM5 worth of coins to chuck into parking machine. What about tomorrow?

Sitting at computer now. Tried to fill in stupid questionnaire...filled in all kinds of things...PRINT. No movement from printer. PRINT DAMN YOU!! Silence. I check tray, paper non-existent. Refill paper, click PRINT.

.....Error...error.....

What the fucking fuck!

Webpage times out, and I have to do it ALL OVER AGAIN! Have to endure answering stupid annoying questions a second time.

*Vomits blood*

Classes will start at 3:30pm. Good luck, please be on my side :(

Images

Now Playing : "In Action" - We Are Scientists

Here's a thought to ponder on; you see a young woman with a pack of cigarettes. What is the first thing you think?

"Ugh, I hate women who smoke"

"I can't imagine her teeth or breath"

"It is so unladylike to smoke"

There is a whole list of negative attitude towards the act of smoking, even more so if you happen to be female. I for one, happen to believe that this stigma is actually good. Smoking is bad for your health, it makes you look unattractive sucking on a piece of stick and the thing I despise most about smoking is how smokers do not give an ounce of regard to non-smokers who are subjected to inhaling their second hand smoke...something much more damaging than smoking itself. Talk about irony.

I am talking about this today because I was just asked yet again to buy cigarettes for someone. I am not happy that this person chose to stop her abstinence from smoking and yet, I am not so much bothered that she had asked me to buy, after all I already run a lot of errands for her.

What bothers me most about actually buying cigarettes (for whatever reason) is how it makes me look being associated with them.

Merely asking for cigarettes, paying for them, holding it in my hand, it being visible in my bag/car/pocket/etc makes me repulsed at the image it makes me portray. I can't help but think what other people are thinking when they see me with one. "Oh, this woman smokes. Disgusting." In actuality, I don't really care that much what is being thought of me, but I just don't like to be associated with cigarettes. I don't want to be seen as a smoker, even though I am not one. They disgust me and to be associated with something that I hate is what I can't stand about having a pack on me. That goes for men, too. I won't date someone who smokes. I'm sorry but it just makes you look frickin' unattractive to me.

That being said, to smokers out there reading this post, do not be offended. I have nothing against you personally, just your silent killer friend.

Sigh

I'm getting more and more frustrated each day.

I haven't lost a single pound in over a week now!

I can see and feel some difference

So why is my scale not mirroring that?

It's been six years since...does it need to get any harder than that?

Cheese-schmeese sandwich

I couldn't taste the cheese.

What a waste of 200 calories.

The A/C With A Mind of Its Own

Now Playing : "Cash Machine" - Hard-Fi

I don't get my air-conditioner. Seriously. 

One moment it's freezing like the Arctic, the next it's sweltering like the Sahara. It's been *repaired* numerous and countless times and yet it's still toying with us. Many times I feel like yelling at it...

"Hey buddy, if I wanted a heater

I'd get one--in Greenland!"

And it's not just the sweating that I hate when my a/c decides to switch personalities to becoming a heater, but I fear for all the electronics in the room which does seem to become hotter than usual. I don't need a multiple personality disorder a/c!

Yes yes, I know what you would say. Buy a new a/c! I can tell you veeeery honestly that yes, I wish I could but who would give me--willingly--a thousand bucks for a new a/c? I don't have that kind of money or else I most certainly would chuck this defective a/c out the window. 

And now my laptop is overheating. *Sigh*

Oh, the hunger pangs!

everydaypeoplecartoons

I'm on a diet again.

THE HUNGER!!!

*sobs*

Pissed off

J

I may be indebted to you

for all the times I've come to you for help

but

today

you totally fucking pissed me off.

Friendship will resume

after I get over this.

"I'm On My Way!"

Now Playing : "Catch The Sun" - Doves

"I'm on my way!!"

That is perhaps the one line I hate to hear people say. I mean, how often have you had someone say "I'm on my way!" and you end up waiting an eon for them to arrive?? What constitutes as "being on the way" anyway? Does it mean...

1. I'm 5 minutes from where you are?
2. I just left the place I'm at to come to yours?
3. I'm about to leave/or in the process of leaving the place I'm at to get to yours?
4. I'm stuck in traffic while on the way to yours but I forget to mention that I'm in traffic?
5. I'm halfway there?

It would be so much easier--and lessen waiting time a great deal if people would just give their ETA or at least more specifics than letting people wait endlessly! 

What prompted this post you ask? Well, I was having dinner with the family earlier tonight and was supposed to wait for my sister to join us. However, when we were at the end of the meal, she had yet to arrive! So after a quick call, she announced that she was on her way.

.

.

.

.

.

10 minutes later...

.

.

.

.

.

Another quick call. "I'm on my way!!!" she screams.

"But where are you?!?!" we screamed back.

"Still at the gym--but leaving now!!"

The gym is at least 25 minutes away from where we were.

Newbie

Now Playing : "Lady in Red" - Chris de Burgh

Wow, it looks like I haven't posted in a couple of days and I barely even realized it! I do have some announcements and rants (as usual :P), however so listen up!

First off, Phil is finally back from Poland and I'm happy to announce that he is now my guest contributor to this blog, which means that if you see any funky lookin' post, it's probably his doing!! Ahkakakaka!! Naw, I'm just kidding really! But seriously, I have no idea what he's going to post so it'll be just a big of a surprise for me as it is for you heh heh! Also, can someone please convince him to change his profile picture (on the basis that I've got better ones *wink*)??

Number two. I have to go for breakfast now so I'll be back later to complete this post. LMAO!

Update

4:40pm. I'm back at home and it has been an exhausting day and embarrassingly enough, I kept nodding off in two classes. I just hope no one important noticed :P I had a lot of things that I wanted to blog about today, but after going for breakfast earlier, I pretty much forgot them all *lol*. I've got quite a load of work to complete and I have a bloody 8am test tomorrow which I have yet to study for so I'm not going to ponder on until I remember what it was that I wanted to blog about.

BUT

I do remember one rant at least. I'd just like to take this opportunity to say that the traffic light system in Malaysia is CRAP!! Absolute total crap!! There is always something the matter with the traffic lights--the best part about this is that DID YOU KNOW that even just rain always (keyword : always) causes the traffic lights to shut down which in turn causes chaos and endless jams and my blood pressure running up and my cursing becoming more colorful.....okok, you get the picture. 

Everyday it's been raining--not hard, but it's not a drizzle either and everyday I have to put up with the new traffic lights (and you'd think it was the old ones that were futzing out on a ridiculously regular basis?) causing unneeded stress! Most days it's not working, some days the countdown counter counts either too little or too much causing heavy traffic, some other days the lights turn red too fast, allowing only about six cars out of 30+ cars through and some other other days the red light skips yellow and jumps to green (and vice versa) and causes pretty close calls (having been in one myself!)!! Also, sometimes green just never shows. >_<

Seriously, are you trying to kill us road users?!?

...and yet it was a gathering of brilliant minds.

Now Playing : "Singin' In The Rain" - Jamie Cullum

Warning : This is a rant post. To my dear readers who may not want their day darkened (even if just a little :P) by this, don't read lah ok. Also, don't flame me if you chose to read it because I did warn you in the first place. To those that may end up feeling hurt after reading this, you know I only tell the truth.

Now, I'm not saying that this applies to everybody (one should know not to generalize things in any way), but it seems to me that despite a university is a place where great minds flock to, people can remain quite...immature. Unfortunately, I realized this (or it hit me even more so) today, even before it struck lunch hour. Needless to say, despite having somewhat of a previous knowledge about this, today just shocked me more than I thought it could.

I feel so ashamed, and in particular for Dr.Mahmud. Can't anyone see that he's obviously trying to be better in handling our class? I feel so bad for him that he's putting in so much effort--especially after he listened to our "advice" and yet, virtually no-one is paying any attention in class! Sometimes, I feel ashamed to be in a class where people don't seem to want to give an ounce of respect nor chance to someone of seniority. I know the subject is dull as cardboard but I feel very strongly that students shouldn't be talking their asses off, taking pictures and treating a senior authority with such childish gestures (unfortunately, there have been quite a few, done most frequently behind a turned back) while the class is going on. I just think that that is very rude, very disrespectful and very immature. 

I do want to apologize to Dr.Mahmud on behalf of certain parties.

The other thing that bugged me immensely today is how someone who had absolutely no business about private matters was just able to poke their nose in and criticize baselessly. I just can't bring myself to see how someone can just butt into an on-going conversation and tell someone off! Yes, she does know what she's saying and even if she doesn't, what the fucking hell gives you the right to do that? How extremely rude of you. 

Kudos to Shubes for standing up for herself. 

-End-