I just want to be weak, sometimes.
Edgy.
The one word which aptly describes how I've been feeling this week.
Strangely enough, this isn't caused by work as it usually is--in fact, it's been a good week at work. No stress, no meetings, and overall have had enjoyable classes. In short, I've been a pretty free duck this week.
For the past week and into the next month or so, my fiancé is up to his neck with work. We've only spoken twice this week and barely at that, and that's gotten on my nerves a little bit. However, don't get me wrong. I'm not unreasonable and do understand that we can't be conjoined at the hip every breathing moment...but it's just hard.
Then earlier this week, I received happy news that a friend of mine is getting married soon and having a baby.
Wow, that really pained me.
Nononononooo...don't misunderstand me. I am super happy for this friend and very excited to attend the wedding. I was even cooing over the prettiness of the name she had picked out for her soon-to-come baby.
But let me tell you...
I am SO envious.
It just really pains me because I wish I could be in her position.
I wish I could get married now. I wish I had the guts and the screw-it-ness to just drop everything and run off to Italy and get married right now. I wish I don't have to wait another two plus years. I wish I could be picking out baby names too, instead of waiting until I'm 30. I wish I didn't have to spend most of my time being engaged alone. I wish I didn't have to be alone.
I wish I was weak.
I don't want to be rational and know that all these things, I can't do right now. I don't want to be rational and I wish I didn't care that I am financially, legally and geographically unprepared to be all those things I so desperately want to be right now. I wish I didn't sound so whiny whining about this.
There's just so many things I wish right now...and almost all of them involve being not alone anymore.
5 comments:
a lot of things we wish we could do now but our common sense, practical side and sense of responsibility stop us from doing so. and for a good reason - it's a good thing. you may be aching for your dream to come true, but if it does right now, your conscience will be troubled 'cos you know this is not the best way to go about it. and things like this, it's better to go about the best way.
your friend could do it now but we don't know the real story behind it. i'm pretty sure she had to fight a few battles - internally and externally - to do this right now. she might have doubts, or even guilt.
trust me, the waiting and planning - it's worth it. i'm not a patient person myself and i'm often undone by it, but when it comes to big things like marriage and children, they're best done with thought and consideration. surely it will minimise the possibility of unexpected hiccups.
anyway, who says you can't pick baby names now? :) can be the start of that plan what! ask me for suggestions - i helped my friend name her baby, okay! ;)
Sulz is right in what she said about our wishes. We all wish to do tons of things but at the end of the day, we know that we can't possibly do it unless we are significantly rich or capable.
She's also right about what she said about your friend. She really could have had gone through some battles before reaching where she is now.
And she's also right about the planning bit. Don't rush into things, especially not with marriage. Although I don't regret getting married, I do regret the decision we made to stay here. I thought that things would go well and that he could adapt well to our country. Oh how wrong I was. And for many months now, I have regretted our decision be here. You've heard me lament many times that we might never be able to go back to the States and that is still true.
We didn't have enough planning on the decision for our location and we are now paying for it. He is constantly depressed and has not recovered from the initial culture shock that he had experienced. We are also still going through hell with paperwork and red-tape and to make things worse, we are living on a really tight budget due to financial issues. I now know that if I only I had been a little bit more patient. I would not have made the mistake that had led us to this position now.
I know things may have turned out bad if I had moved to the States instead too. But at this moment in time, it does seem like things would have been different.
Do you see what I mean? I hope you don't think I'm trying to scare you or anything but I'm just using an example from my experience to show you how rash and quick decisions lead to a not-so-ideal situation.
In any case, I do feel your pain and hope that you can keep hanging on. *HUGS*
Thanks for the comment guys...all the things you said, I know, which is exactly why I *wished* I didn't care about all those things and to just take the plunge. But I know I can't. I think the fact that I'm just too damn rational and prefer to plan everything to the last core is making me sick lol!
But yeah, I'm not so stupid to do all that I wish right now.
When it all boils down to it, they're just wishes. But you can bet the moment my chance arrives, I'll be at full speed ahead. :)
didn't know shane is still having troubles adjusting to life here, jules. hope things can work out for the best later for you both...
Well we all can't help but be envious of other people and to have tons of wishes. I am envious of some of my friends on FB too for various reasons. But, I guess we'll just have to realize that genies aren't as available as "Aladdin" leds us to believe. :P LOL!
Sulz, he's not doing well at all. Thanks for the best wishes though. :D
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