Not An Easy Thing To Do

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There are times when I am gung-ho.

Then there are times when I lack any motivation whatsoever.

Starting a new diet is an easy thing to do. Giving up is equally, if not easier to do. Keeping at it, that's the hard part. The stomach churns and waves of thoughts swim about in your head. "Oh, if only I could go back to eating (insert food here, here, here and here) to my heart's desire!" Your hand breaks free of central control and next thing you realize, you're back to wolfing down all the goodies like there was no tomorrow, knowing very well that if you continue this, you almost certainly inevitably are denying yourself of an actual tomorrow in the form of a heart attack. Maybe if no one sees me eating all this crap, it won't count. Invisible calories. Yeah!

The truth is, humans aren't designed to be held captive--whether in a cage or in a state of mind.

I am fat, therefore I am held captive in my shell of ugliness and self-worthlessness.

I am on a diet, therefore I am held captive by the minimal range of food I can feed myself.

etc, etc.

Of course, those are just examples pertaining to my opinions. It varies among individuals. My point is that when we bring this state of mind (and subsequently, body) upon ourselves to achieve a goal and despite doing this with full consciousness and voluntarily, why doesn't it stop you from being dragged to the edge of a cliff?

Being strong can really wear you down. I couldn't count with my fingers and toes how many times the thought of giving up has crossed my mind. I also am unable to count how many times I've had to pick myself up after a chance meeting with a bag of cookies.

Don't even get me started on the Crave Monster.

This month it's chocolate.

An obsession with anything is ridiculously frustrating. Food is no exception. I've built nearly all my life tying my emotions in knots around food. Going grocery shopping or just food browsing at the supermarket brings me joy. I like seeing food. I like scouting for what I can or can not eat. I think about food a good percentage of the day, even though it's mostly planning my meals. It has turned from a bad obsession of food to a good one, but bottom line, still an obsession with food.

Distancing myself from my favorite pastime and learning to let go of it (I don't think I know of anyone else who calls eating a "pastime" :| ) isn't an easy thing to do. To have come this far has demanded tremendous strength and nothing has been the biggest motivator to keep pushing on as PICTURES have been. That's correct. Whenever I sense myself start to take a go-kart joyride towards the edge of a cliff, I look through pictures. Mountains of pictures. Always start with the old, ending with the new.

Each old picture saying...

"Do you really want to go back to this?"

"OMG"

And each new picture screaming...

"You're almost there!"

"Never thought you'd look like this/come this far, eh?"

I thought I'd share two such pictures with you. This also isn't an easy thing for me to do, sharing pictures of myself that I don't like with the public. As camwhorish as you may have noticed me getting as of late, I am still extremely picky with what pictures I choose to publish. I don't shun the front of a camera as I notoriously used to, but I still get freakishly paranoid of who gets to see the end product. Admittedly, I never like to put up any hideously humpback whale pictures of mine up here mostly because I don't want the BF to see, but I've justified it this time that I can proudly say that's no longer me because I chose not to give up and bear with my cage just a little longer.

First : Me at my heaviest at 175lbs in February 2007
Second : Me at my lightest thus far at 126lbs in June 2008