Now Playing : "Snowflake" - Mew
It is really, really late and I should be sleeping right now because I have to be up in less than five hours but something just too close to heart has persuaded me to blog. This post is one of reflection, and is not meant to credit or discredit any party and certainly not to put myself on a holier-than-thou pedestal.
I am not a social butterfly, I have never pretended to be. What handful of friends that I do have I keep close to heart and adopt this philosophy of friendship that if you belong in my hand, you are unconditional.
Unconditional: In my vocabulary it means that I have respect for you. Anything I do or plan to do, you will be among my first thoughts. Your welfare, my worry, my relief. Your sadness, my sadness. Your happiness, mine. Your space, yours as I will not invade but a curiosity remains because I'd like to know if you're okay. Falling short of dire ethic values, anything you want me to do, it's done. Because you are my friend and I will never see a need to be calculative, critical and uncomfortable without communication. That's what friendship means to me. Unconditional.
But, how do you save a dying friendship?
What do you do next after your efforts have been in vain and the friendship is still dying?
As I reflect back over the years, that has been the single most difficult challenge. I have made and lost many good friends so far in my life, and it doesn't get any easier even with experience. Why? Why doesn't it just get easier?
Because each friendship you make which you hold dear to your heart you want to try to save it with all you can because that person means something to you and you consider all the trouble to save it is worth it.
Forgiveness, tolerance and acceptance are learned attributes. And yet, armed and geared with the most gung-ho of all motivation to save a friendship from expiring and with all the FTA qualities you keep in your pocket, WHAT MORE CAN YOU REALLY DO when your friend acknowledges that the both of you can probably never go back and yet, choose not to communicate those feelings and bite their tongue instead?
Do you just give up? It seems like such a waste to and I refuse, for as long as I can, to be the first one who does. Does that make me in denial for not accepting that a person you used to be kindred spirits with no longer is your kindred spirit?
Maybe, but I would really be insulted if that got translated into me being afraid to lose a friendship. I am not possessive and yes, I can live without the friendship but I don't plan on it yet because as I said, if someone is an unconditional and I will try my best to keep on trying until I hit a wall.
I just didn't expect that wall would ambush me from underneath.
Maybe I didn't learn from experience after all. Where have I gone wrong in being too nice to my friend that I get taken for granted? What in the world did I do that the person felt was so wrong that I've become unforgivable, intolerable, and unworthy?
Most importantly, why isn't the person saying ANYTHING to the one person who needs to hear it?
Sometimes I wish that in saving friendships, for once the other person would just tell me how they really feel instead of me having to rely on non-verbals. But they hurt just as much as the cold and distant verbalizations do. If that person resents being my friend, then please, I beg for this person to hurt my feelings and just tell me. If he or she can't stand me, then please, for goodness sake, tell me. A friendship no matter how kindred will die without communication anyway.
I am human, and there is only so much a human heart can take.
Do one last thing as a friend, and tell me the truth...because I no longer want to keep on wondering what he or she is feeling and wondering where all the poison is coming from. I've tried, and I've tried hard and if it does nothing fruitful to this cause then I've said my piece and can do nothing but wait for the person upstairs to take over and guide me to a peace of mind.
Please think of me fondly as you once did.
